Insecure?

Hey!

How are you? Sorry, I know it’s been a while since my last post. There was the job that turned out not to be the God-send I thought it was, but I’ll tell you about that another time. Mr E got his results from his radiotherapy – his PSA levels are neither higher or lower, but stable. Not what was hoped for but it could have been worse so we remain optimistic. The children have all gone back to school which has opened a whole can of worms in different ways but again, I’ll circle back to that another time.

At the very least, I guess it gives me writing material!

Anyway, today, I want to talk about women and why we spend so much of our lives dealing with insecurities.

I know, it’s not a new subject but it’s one that has become more obvious to me in different ways recently.

For example, Little Miss hung out with her friend this week (we’ll call her Bee). Bee’s friend joined them (we’ll call her Dee). LM asked Bee if she could come over a bit earlier as I was going out. She replied that she wasn’t sure as Dee liked to be the first one to arrive…

LM and I had a little giggle about that –  ‘What is she? The Queen?’ But after she got home and told me more about the afternoon, I viewed things a bit differently.

The three friends had gone to the shop to buy snacks. Bee picked up some Pringles. ‘Let’s get these.’ She said.

‘Nah,’ Dee said, wrinkling her nose. Bee replaced them on the shelf.

‘Ooh, shall we get Sensations?’ Bee reached for the bag of crisps.

‘Oh! What about Doritos? Don’t you want Doritos? Dee replied.

Bee removed her hand from the bag of crisps and, shrugging her shoulders, picked up a bag of Doritos.

Initially when we discussed it, LM said Bee needed to stand up for herself and we both thought Dee to have bullying tendencies. But the more I think about it, the more I see it as insecurities with a spotlight trained on them.

Bee did everything Dee said, disregarding her own wants to please her friend; Dee, instead of being forthright, made her demands sound like a suggestion. How could anyone say she was being bossy or bullying if she was just asking a question? Neither one feeling free enough to say what was on their mind.

I look at my mum – an amazing woman who has overcome so much but won’t believe she can copy and paste a message on her mobile phone. This is a woman who, in the last couple of years has taught herself to crochet, reading instructions that to me, look like code, but she uses them to create masterpieces. Yet, she will still thrust her phone at me and say, ‘Do this for me.’

A friend of mine often refers to herself as a baby whale even though she isn’t even close to being overweight. But her view of herself is skewed.

I spent many a year thinking I wasn’t pretty enough, talented enough or interesting enough. I am still happiest behind this screen rather than in a room full of people. And that’s nothing to do with people and everything to do with dispelling those ‘not enough’ thoughts. This brought the realisation that I’d paused on writing – novel, pitches, this blog – because I was questioning myself: is what I’ve written any good? Is anyone actually reading it? Does anyone care?

And don’t even get me started on the ‘mum-guilt’ – have I done enough? Am I doing too much? Why don’t I have it all together like so-and-so?

The questions just become a merry-go-round of nonsense.

Pah!

Every one of us has something to offer, something to share, no matter how small. Some will make a bigger impact than others but it doesn’t make the smaller impression less powerful or effective.

So, I write this today and encourage you to be you, to shake off the self-doubt and silence the sceptical voices.

You can do it.

You are good enough.

Speak soon xx